Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Their Hearts' Truth.

What was, was real. At least to her unsuspecting mind, clouded by love, which rendered her dumb, deaf and blind.

And so it was invalidated, brushed-off as a Summer-break love (the one that ends as summer does), a tryst, a fling, a casual date, not a love rendering one dumb, deaf and blind.

It was real. All real. But just to her. And a few who only heard her heart's truth and not his.

Her truth, the one which her heart spoke of, was the sense that it was real, genuine, sincere. Her love, his love, was real, to her.

His truth, the one his mouth spoke of, was that it didn't feel right; his heart wasn't ready to love...

Now his heart did speak of love, but that love, was not for her... it was never meant for her. His heart was never hers.

Her heart felt his mouth was recounting a lie, disguising his heart's truth; his love was never given to her. It was never meant for her.

Her love for self was an overwhelming force, more powerful than her need for him and his comfort, his warmth...

With the strength of her heart, her heart acknowledged that the only one worthy of it, is one whose heart has the same truth as hers; her love, his love, is real, to her and to him.

Stolen plans.

Ever encountered an idea and you looked at it and you were like 'hey... that's mine?'... or maybe you just recognised that someone took that idea from someone else?

No big deal. 

It is not that of a big deal (unless it's really bordering copyright infringement etc. - something completely illegal).

Why did they take the idea?

People who often steal ideas are taking it, all for the wrong reasons. They want the recognition you get, the money you get and all the other perks that comes along with doing what you are doing.

Is inspiring the same thing as stealing?

Now there's nothing wrong with inspiring someone. It's beyond your control and it is bound to happen if you're accomplishing great things.

I often get approached and asked for advice regarding writing, i.e. how they can become better, how they can return to writing or how they can make a success out of it. I am more than happy to help and provide them with advice on how they can do that.

However, when people blatantly steal your style of writing or topic, I give a major side-eye. There is nothing dignified or sincere about that.

They won't be as successful because their voice is not authentic. It's not theirs. They have a facade that they have to keep up and besides the writing, the facade will become like a full-time job; it's impossible to keep up.

At some point their interest will start to fade, their work may be come sloppy and ultimately, they will fail.

I view taking a persona, a style, an idea, with little sincerity, as living a facade, keeping up appearances. It's unsustainable.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Coffee in Nairobi.

ArtCaffe's cappuccino.
Coffee lover. Coffee addict. Coffee connoisseur. Whichever noun pertaining to my love for coffee is an accurate description of my relationship with this bitter beverage.  

In South Sudan they don't really have any standalone coffee places but they do have a few nice places that serve good coffee. One such place is Le Bistro in New Sudan Palace Hotel in Juba. I was coffee-deprived and that cappuccino really hit the spot. 

In Nairobi they have a few nice places for coffee such as ArtcaffeDorman's and Nairobi Java House

On this day (pictured) the sun was setting and me and my cousin were at the Java House, verbally running through our trip thus far while enjoying our drinks and baked sweetness. 


Saturday, 15 March 2014

For The Girl Who Gave Her Heart But Was Given It Back Broken.

This post summarised.

You have given it your all; your time, your attention, your loyalty, your devotion, your energy... your love, sweet, sweet love.

The love you had was...

  • The kind of love that overlooked his flaws (flaws which could easily constitute as a turn-off when exhibited by others) 
  • The kind of love that enabled you to forgive him for carrying out every little thing written on your 'no way' list
  • The kind of love that had made you feel like you were in the honeymoon period in your very first month of being his
  • The very same love that made you think of him when you got up and went through your day, he was a thought at night and the final thought in your dreams...
... that kind of 'love'.

Whatever was felt, infatuation or love, in that short period of time, you were smitten. So, so, smitten.

Summer ends... and when it ends, all dies. The ending is crushing. The way it ended and the aftermath felt like salt added to the wound; it made it sting, worsening the pain, prolonging the pain and perhaps the healing process.

For the girl who gave her heart but was given it broken in return, it was a lesson.

As cliché as it sounds, a broken heart and an ended relationship are lessons.

It teaches you:
  • To regroup and refocus on self; build yourself, strengthen yourself, love yourself more than you could love anyone else, so that you are ready to be loved and love again, in a healthy, free and independent way
  • What is good for you and what is bad for you
  • What you like and don't like (often you think you know what you want until you actually try it)
  • To actually go with your gut instinct more and/or develop and trust it
  • How to deal with intense emotions such as anger and sadness, you learn how to deal with it all (you may even find that some coping mechanisms may be too destructive, leading you to choose a better coping mechanism which you can also apply to other situations)
  • What boundaries to set and perhaps when to set them
  • That relationships aren't all romantic, full of chocolate and roses but rather a mix of ups and downs (for the downs to change into ups a dedicated couple is needed)
You've given your heart, only for him to give it back broken and often, he didn't give you his to begin with.
The pain cannot be sugarcoated with any kind of sugar. But like most things that hurt or damage, it will cause some kind of wound that needs to heal. You need to heal first and foremost. 
When it's truly over, disconnect yourself from the situation and the person in question; then become selfish. Becoming selfish at this point is difficult because your thoughts are still occupied with someone who is not for you and who is not with you. You will miss him, the support, the love and the good times. 
When it can still be saved, decide if it is worth saving. Decide if the offence caused is worthy of more of your time and energy, decide if it is worthy of your happiness, decide if it is worthy of your future possibilities. 
If you've accepted or found the strength to decide that it's over, focus on healing. Focus on your emotions. Not his, not what he is thinking or feeling... not what will happen to him after the fact. He is not your responsibility anymore.
Letting go

You decide to hold on or let go after weighing up the possible results of holding on and letting go. Letting go there and then may hurt at the very beginning but in the long-run it may actually be better than holding onto something that is sinking and making you suffer all along the way. It's natural to feel unprepared to let go, but sooner is often better than later.

It hurts.
It's hurting. The tears will fall, or may not fall or may fall but not as often as it doesn't and that is ok. Your outlet, no matter what it is, as long as it is healthy, should be respected and accepted; let it out. All of it. To pretend you're not hurting is just burying the pain and anger deeper and deeper inside of you, only for it to haunt you later.
The end result of the healing process is to come to a point of acceptance that all that has happened, has happened and you are ready to move on from it. 

It is easy to feel vengeful and hoping that karma will knock on his door faster than it may do, but let it be. With forgiveness, a thank you for the experience and memories, you are gracefully bowing out to become a woman more focused and aware, a woman who will set her sights higher and follow her heart; you are preparing to be a wise woman who will find a wonderful man.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Juba: An Unforgettable Christmas.

I spend my very first Christmas in South Sudan and it wasn't what I had expected it to be... in fact it wasn't what pretty much everyone there was planning for it to be.

The conflict broke out on the 15th of December, ten days before Christmas Day. Lives transformed up and down the country. Lives transformed outside of the country too, as family members abroad had to worry about the safety of their relatives.

I remained in South Sudan; I didn't leave via evacuation by the Dutch embassy.

On Christmas Day, journalist and filmmaker Sam Lukudu of SK Productions South Sudan, interviewed me about my very first Christmas time in Juba, South Sudan.

This mini-documentary explores the different people who have been affected by the conflict in South Sudan and how that impacted their Christmas.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Back In Home Away From Home.

I'm back in the UK after a whirlwind two months abroad, two or so weeks in South Sudan and about six weeks in Nairobi.

It's been mind-blowing.

My trip was amazing; zero regrets.

Had ups and downs, but ups and downs that have transformed me and made me a new woman.

I really have to start blogging again. I haven't blogged in absolutely ages. Also no useful posts have gone out. So I best get to blogging on the regular again because... I have many stories to share!