Thursday, 17 January 2013

Grieving Notes.

When someone young dies, you realise how vulnerable you and the people around you really are. The insignificant stuff fade into the background and you start to appreciate everything a whole lot more.

Death hits you. It hits you like a high speed train.

Death reminds you that you're only visiting or passing through this phase and that you can go onto the next phase at any moment in time. We are all visitors. We're all here temporarily. We all have some mission or aim. Some will do more than others, others will do a whole lot less. Some people will never leave anything behind.

I'm not unfamiliar with death, but each experience I've had with it has been different. The circumstances, the relationship with the deceased, their age, etc. has made every experience different. Nonetheless, all deaths I have experienced have been difficult to comprehend. The way how I dealt with them all was also quite different.

My brother's passing has been the most debilitating for me because someone who was here everyday, is suddenly not here and won't ever be coming back.

There are moments when I'm just hoping he'll appear out of the kitchen with his food or he'll be sitting behind the computer watching live football. It's something I struggle with daily. I'm still in the disbelief stage. Somedays I'm like 'damn, did that really happen?' and then you get home and see an empty and quiet room, clothes folded neatly and untouched, then reality hits... 'it did really happen'.

Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is a reminder that I'm getting older but my brother isn't getting older alongside me. My heart aches like it's been ripped out and pulled apart right in front of me.

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm always ready to punch someone in the face. I'm always ready to tell someone 'try being in my shoes, what you're caring about is nothing'. 

Everyday I live with the worry of, what else is life going to throw at me? What else will I have to endure? 

Don't ever take anything for granted; your life and the people in your life. Live everyday to be the best person you can possibly be.