Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Grieving Notes 2

A few nights ago was one of those nights where I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I can't shake my thoughts about my brother.

His funeral replay in my head... my last moments with him... what may have happened to him after he died...

I'm still thinking of the last time I saw him. He was on the computer and I was going to go to work. I asked him for the keys and he got me the keys. I left. I don't remember if I said 'goodbye', but everything else is so well documented in my memory.

Every other day can be an uphill battle. Some days I'm perfectly fine. Other days I'm ready to cry at the slightest thought of him.

I really miss him a lot and sometimes it really feels like a heavy emotion to deal with. I miss his smile, his laughter and just the silly things a brother would do to his sisters. It's still so unbelievable that he's gone.

Everyday I'm sort of wondering what he'd be doing now... how he'd react to what me and my siblings are doing... what we would be talking about now.

I suppose acceptance would bring a big source of comfort to many people in my situation... but it's hard to let go. You feel like it shouldn't have happened... you feel like they should be there alongside you for the rest of your life.

You just have to hold on to get through the storm, before the rainbow can finally come.